Radiation Leaves it's Mark

Rianne has been recovering from the Radiation Treatments slowly but surely - but mostly slowly. I’m not sure if its me or her, but it seems that her progress has been at a snail’s pace. It could be that my expectations for her are to recover quickly or it could just be that she is extremely tired and has taken time to progress. Either way, she is still on the roller coaster.
Rianne has a few sayings, which definitely provide us with wisdom during these tough months. “By the inch it’s a cinch, by the yard it’s hard.” I like it because her recovery is actually taking more time than I thought it would and this saying reminds me that ANY progress in a positive direction is good progress. I need to expect her recovery to take more time – weeks and maybe even months to be realistic.
“Don’t try to eat the whole elephant in one bite” is another trademark quote from Rianne. If we expect her to be able to recover all at once, without any setbacks, then we are expecting too much. Her recovery will be more of a challenge than I initially assumed it would be. By allowing her to take it a day at a time, one bite at a time, we are allowing her to recover at a reasonable pace.
But the thoughts and fears of my wife having cancer continue to consume me daily, and I struggle with anxiety at times, waiting for the oncologist to say that she is cancer-free. The demons in our heads tend to eat away at us, especially when we worry about the possibility of the cancer returning.
In the meantime, Rianne has been to work several times in the past two weeks. She has struggled at work due to the chemo-brain. Most of us rise in the morning and head off to work, but Rianne has daily fights with anxiety the second I leave the house. She feels an anxious loneliness and fears going to work because she is afraid that her memory will lapse and she worries about not being able to stay on task. She is anxious when people approach her because she is uncertain of who they are. She knows the faces but the names don’t surface quickly enough in her brain that has been affected by the chemotherapy. She pushes herself to do a little more each day, yet feels that she can’t keep up. Returning to work has been an emotional roller coaster in itself. Yet she couldn’t ask for better bosses than Bryan Little and Dave Little. They have been unbelievably supportive of her throughout this entire ordeal. They have had huge hearts and continue to support her 100%. “Just do what you can while you are here” and “if you feel that you need to go home we understand” are two examples of their support for Rianne during these difficult times in her life. Her co-workers have also been absolutely supportive of her return to work. Becky, Katie, Lacey and Carol have picked her up and brought her home each day and have helped her at work.
Rianne says that it seems like Becky sees most of her tears when she picks her up for work. One day last week before she went to work, the anxiety overwhelmed Rianne and she had a meltdown. Becky picked her up and she sobbed from the second she got in the car. They drove a mile toward work and had to pull over to talk. Becky said, “its okay, why don’t you let me take you back home for the day.” Rianne called me at the school and just sobbed. The chemo-brain and the anxiety were more than she could take that day. It was best for her to just curl up on the couch, put a movie in the DVD player and let her mind relax.
Evenings have been good to Rianne. She has had a good appetite, eats well, then relaxes on the couch and goes to bed early. She is most comfortable when I’m close to her. She has been sleeping well at night because she “cheats” by taking Ambien to help her brain shut off for the night. At least that’s what she calls it…I say it’s a good strategy for her brain to take a well-deserved break!
It’s the 18th of October and, as I type, I reflect on the road that she and I have been down together since April. It has NOT been entirely exciting or enjoyable. We do, however, count our blessings! Some cancer patients have not made it until today, and we are both aware of that. Each day brings different challenges, yet often new blessings. We are both very happy to still have each other to lean on!