She's Not Always Going to be Up

Today was another good day. It started out a bit frustrating, however. I woke at 5:00am because I noticed that Rianne had her jacket on, which usually means that she is letting the dogs out. I forced myself to get out of bed to help her and noticed that the dogs were lying on the floor below me in the bedroom. Instantly the red flags flew, as I darted out into the dark living room to find her. She was in the kitchen just standing there with tears in her eyes. I asked her what was going on and she said that she couldn’t sleep and had been up since 3:00. She said that she keeps getting this feeling that she needs to get her life in order and needs to prepare the house for me in case the outcome is grim. I let her talk and she also expressed her fear of possibly not making it through the treatments.
I refuse to sugar-coat this Blog because I’m sure that you who read it and care for Rianne want to know the truth. We’re scared – every day! NHL is a very serious condition – it is TREATABLE, not CURABLE. We may fight this for the rest of our lives and it finds a way to sneak into our minds on a daily basis, no matter how much fun we are having or how long the drive to treatments are. No matter how hard we try to push the thoughts away, they return. When people tell us to fight the cancer, they also mean to fight off all of the fearful thoughts, draining emotions, and, worse of all, the unknown future that is ahead of us. Although we have had good days, it is a simple fact – we will have very low moments that make the tears flow. This morning was one of those moments. And the chemotherapy will cause Rianne to have those types of feelings, which was told to us straight from the Oncologist.
When Rianne finished talking I just held her in my arms and let her know how little it matters if the house is organized or not. We then sat down on the laptop and looked at her Facebook Page. Immediately her smile returned to her face. She and I both find super strength from friends like you who have supported us since the news of her cancer came on April 1st. The last 2 months have been the toughest in our lives, but with the support of friends and family we gain strength to fight another day – and each day DOES matter.
We spent the morning downloading photos to our sites and laughed until our sides ached. Rianne cooked a nice breakfast, then we got ready for church. We sat behind Ty, Ashley and our grandsons, Kacen and Brant. It was quiet enough to hear a pin drop when Kacen greeted his Gramma Rianne with those three beautiful words, “YOUR BALD HEAD!” We both had to muffle our mouths to keep from laughing out loud! The innocence of children is amazing sometimes and today, right in the middle of church, was one of those times! We were fortunate to have the boys sit with us, but we had to leave early to avoid the croud. It’s difficult to have to walk away from everyone, but Rianne absolutely cannot risk catching a cold or flu from anyone, as it can complicate her therapy. If she catches a cold it can develop into pneumonia and possibly death. Even when our closest friends visit, she wears a respirator/mask as a precaution and sometimes we visit with them outside, on the deck, in the open air.
When we got home she wanted to take my picture. Instead, I took hers, then she set the 10 second timer and off we went on a tear of 15 or 20 shots, which got goofier and goofier. She posted them on her Facebook Page and got immediate responses, which again put a smile on her face. The positive support helps Rianne and I keep a positive attitude, which is critical during her treatment. It’s been a roller coaster ride since the tests and Chemotherapy started – our positive attitude fights with negative feelings and fear. One moment we’re up, the next we are down…..Rianne laughs and enjoys a visit, then her bones ache so much that she has to cry to feel relief. Overall, however, we have stayed positive even when times seem to be difficult.
Again – thank you for your love, prayers and support. We hope that you are enjoying this Blog and what we have entered in it. Send us an e-mail if you would like to at magicnrianne@charter.net It would be great to hear from you!