Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Only SHE Really Knows What She Feels


16 Radiation Treatments down and only 4 to go! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel getting brighter and brighter! Rianne, however cannot.
Tonight she went to bed feeling very discouraged. It absolutely crushes me to see her down in the dumps, but it’s part of the territory with the cancer treatment. Bottom line is she’s exhausted from the past 6 months of torture on her body, mind and emotions. Her parents have been taking her up to Coos Bay for the past couple of weeks, and they too are feeling fatigued.
Tomorrow her friend, Luane Merkley will take her to her 17th Radiation Treatment while her parents take the day to rest. I’ll take her up on Thursday, as she has an appointment with her Oncologist and a blood draw following the Radiation Treatment.
It’s gut-wrenching to reflect on her past 6 months – the initial surgery to remove the tumors…..the phone call announcing her cancer…..the battery of tests…..the chemotherapy…..the unexpected blood transfusions…the intrathecal shots into her spine…..the radiation therapy…..and the emotional roller coaster to go with it all. It’s a wonder my wife is still able to function at all.
The “chemo-brain” has caused her unnecessary stress. She struggles to control it and it tends to disrupt her emotions. Rianne is a perfectionist – even through all of this – and it’s tough for her to accept that she has difficulty with her level of concentration.
She has worked hard to keep her brain “active” to combat the chemo-brain. She reads, works on household chores and has been digging in deep with the Sudoku Puzzles. I’m really proud of her for challenging herself to stay active and to keep herself engaged in activities.
But it is what it is…..it’s cancer. It’s a serious, life-threatening illness that attacks everything you have. Lately it’s attacked her deepest emotions, consuming every thought she has, every minute of every day. We, her supporters and loved ones, really don’t know what she’s going through because we aren’t Rianne. Only SHE really knows what she feels. She has fought off serious depression, feelings of hopelessness, fear for her life and the thought of losing it all. Sadly, adding to her anxiety, a fellow cancer patient whom she was going through treatment with passed away from the disease two weeks ago. He was in the Radiation Treatment Center one day and was gone the next. She’s had humbling support from all of us, but she still has the cancer inside of her, keeping her riding the emotional roller coaster.
But then again, tomorrow is another day. She may rise in the morning with a smile on her face and walk straight to the next Sudoku Puzzle, prepared to destroy it and claim another victory. That’s exactly what I believe she will do to the cancer inside of her – she will beat it and claim a victory over it!
Although she went to bed feeling discouraged, I’m confident that she’ll push herself down the stretch and fight to the bitter end of her treatment. She is, without a doubt, the strongest person I have ever known! She has been beaten down by the cancer numerous times, but she continues to fight and bounce back every time, no matter what the circumstance!!

4 comments:

  1. Bring me to my knees Becker! I LOVE YOU both so much!!!! Words cannot describe the love and gratitude that I have for my dear Rianne. BB, soul mate, sistah from anotha mistah, mom, confidant, comedian, you name it- she's my Ri Baby. I'm so proud of you Rianne, so proud that if I ever had a daughter, I'd name her after you... oh wait, I already did that!... ok, I'll name my next son after you too... scratch that, it'd be more fitting to name my next poop after you!
    I love you both to the moon and back. I cannot wait to see you, and I know when the time is right, we'll all pull out our depends and spend a glorious weekend together! Rest up baby, this is JUST THE BEGINNING! :)

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  2. Thanks for another update Magic - I'm sure they are tough to write!! You and Rianne are a constant source of strength for all of us. For while Rianne has shown her strength in her fight - you too, have shown your strength in your love and devotion to her. We love you very much and keep you in our constant thoughts and prayers. :)

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  3. I can't even begin to imagine what you and Rhianne are going through. The strength Rhianne has shown on a daily basis is, as I have said before, a inspiration to me and gives me hope! I pray that "normal" comes back to the both of you very soon!

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  4. We love the two of you so much and are anxiously awaiting for Rianne to get her energy back so we can come visit and laugh for a whole weekend like we did before. Spencer loves to laugh especially when he farts. He definitely takes after you Rianne. Hang in there and know that we are thinking of you all the time. Love you lots! Casey, Ryanne, and Spencer

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